Don't Believe The Ape L F

Today I woke up to this in my inbox:

****BREAKING NEWS FROM THE APE LIBERATION FRONT********

Recent video released via the "interweb" reveals Ryan Niemi's most recent experiments in Ape Cruelty.

Please see the following link:

http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1778911

Apparently, Ryan Niemi has taken to forcing Apes to river dance.

If this recent video offends you, please send your grievances to Ryan Niemi at ***********@gmail.com

Let him know that this kind of cruelty will not be tolerated. Forcing Apes to do an Irish jig is cruel and unusual punishment.

Keep the faith,

Michael D Willey
Minister of Information
Ape Liberation Front

Needless to say, this is getting out of hand. My phone won't stop ringing and, some how, I have exceeded my Gmail storage limit. I didn't even know that was possible. Please stop trying to contact me. I will never apologize for what I have said.

Confusing Ape Liberation Front Threats

Today my inbox was flooded with variations of this:

Mr. Niemi,

Watch this video:



You are a baby tiger and we will spank you!

Good day.

These people need therapy.

More Harassment From The Ape Love Freaks

I don't know why they think this will scare me, but the harassment needs to end.

AADL Response To My Recent Public Statement

Some good news on the AADL sponsored Anti-Ryan Niemi Rally that was supposed to occur tomorrow. This was sent from an undercover agent who has successfully penetrated the dark cavern in which these freaks dwell.

Hello fellow activists,

This update brings both sorrowful and exciting news from the Ape Anti-Defamation League. As you know we had scheduled a protest to show the world our frustration with the insane bigotry of Ryan Niemi's anti-ape rhetoric.

Unfortunately, we did not foresee that Mr. Niemi has friends in very powerful places. After a weekend visit from agents representing the Department of Homeland Security, including threats that our peaceful protest would be cordoned off into caged areas miles away from where Mr. Niemi has his daily meetings, we have regretfully chosen to cancel the protest.

We have also elected, due to the circumstances surrounding anti-ape furor that has swept the country in the form of snuff films and internet sights, to go underground.

Therefore, what was formerly known as the Ape Anti-Defamation League has disbanded. In its place will give rise to the Ape Liberation Front (ALF), an underground guerilla group dedicated to bringing about fairness and equality by any means necessary.

Questions can be directed to our Minister of Information, Commandante Willey of Albuquerque, NM.

The ALF will release a manifesto in the near future which will outline our demands. Failure to comply will result in war.

Sincerely,

Ape Liberation Front

I'm glad that they canceled their ill-conceived protest, but seems like Commandante Willey has lost his mind and holds a personal vendetta against me. "Any means necessary"? I'm going to have to double my security force at the Ryan Niemi compound.

(UPDATE) This interesting bit of info was sent to me by Jake

For all of those who purchased custom RyanNiemi (TM) Brand effigies for burning at the rally, we will be accepting returns for cash refunds minus 80% restocking fee. Refunds will not be honored for stock effigies intended to be burned at home. I H8 NIEMI t-shirts are additionally non-returnable. Biting-monkey nipple-clamps can be returned only if in used condition.

I don't understand these people.

Official Public Statement

Dear Ape Anti-Defamation League and its supporters,

The recent harassment of myself, has not been deserved, nor appreciated. It appears, not only have you misrepresented me, but you have also underestimated me. I am on the board of the RNC (Ryan Niemi Council) and, as you know, the RNC is very experienced with handling bad press and protesters.

We have this special announcement passed on to you by the highest authority.

Enjoy.

IMPORTANT PROTEST INFORMATION

To all who will attend the Anti-Ryan Niemi Protest on September 17, 2007:

IMPORTANT UPDATES ON LOCATION

The protest has been officially moved to a sanctioned protest camp. All people wishing to express their opinions shall now report to the Rio Grande River in Los Lunas, New Mexico.

You will be able to protest in individual 4x5 caged areas.



For safety reasons all possible weapons, electronics, signs, effigies and clothes will be confiscated upon entry.

Special protest guards have been assigned for your protection and WILL USE FORCE no matter the necessity.

More Lies Being Spread

Jake informed me that this has also been circulating:

I would also like to announce an anti-anti-ape rally at the same time and location. This is NOT a rally in support of mr. niemi. His ape-hatin' rhetoric has certainly crossed the line. however, i do partially support his plan to exterminate all primates, except instead of killing them humanely and painlessly, it sholud be done as violently and brutally as possible. additionally, i encourage all of you to purchase my organization's new videos: "America's Most Spectacular Monkey Slaughters," "Gibbons Cut to Ribbons" "Chimps on Spikes," as well as or brand new x-rated series, "Gorillas Fucked to Death, Volumes I, II, and III" all videos are availabl online or at Wal-Mart, Hastings, FYE, and Castle superstore.

Obviously, this message was created by the AADL in secret as to get more support for their misinformed movement.

I have never created a plan to exterminate all primates. I have never purchased any monkey torture videos.

Stay tuned for an official statement within the hour.

Ape Anti-Defamation League Harassment

Just now, I received information that this email has been spreading around from the AADL:

JOIN US THIS COMING MONDAY, September 17, 2007
as we protest outside the work of :

Ryan Niemi


Whose recent defamatory remarks against Apes have caused a global hell-storm.



His bigotry cannot got unpunished. And we will continue to support his impeachment until he publicly apologizes for his comments!




This event is sponsored by the Ape Anti-Defamation League (AADL).
For further information contact Mike Willey

My legal team has been working night and day. I expect to deliver an official statement within the next several hours.

Reader Hatemail (Sociobotomy Response)

I received this letter today in response to a comment that I made which was, obviously, taken out of context.

Dear Mr. Niemi,

As a representative of the Ape Anti-Defamation League (AADL) I have been compelled to write this Cease and Desist Notice to which you must take the necessary action or face further repercussions.

Your comparison of apes to office workers was both inaccurate and defamatory.  The AADL demands a formal apology in writing to be issued no later than Sunday September 15, 2007.  Failure to do so will result in adjudication.

Apes have worked hard over the decades to break down the negative barriers that society has placed before them.  You would better serve humanity to recognize this.

Sincerely,

Michael D. Willey
Representative
Ape Anti-Defamation League

My lawyers have advised me not to comment at this time.

Sociobotomy

After wandering around in these public commercial spaces without talking and avoiding eye contact, I forget that it is possible to communicate with these apes. When one of them speaks at me, for a split second, I am shocked that it can speak at all.